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God is Good to Me
by Denise DuBois
“I will never
leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5)
As a child, my family did the church
thing. But the secret hidden behind the front door was a house full of abuse. My
father was physically and verbally abusive toward my mother and my half-sister
(she’s 10 years older than me, from my mom’s first marriage). As the youngest, I
endured the worst of my father’s abuse, including sexual abuse. My mom was a
very bitter and hostile woman and blamed me for everything. My sister, well, she
ran away a lot and moved out when I was 7.
Before I jump ahead, I want to share
with you what happened when I was 5. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I prayed for
Jesus to come into my heart, and live there all of my life. I can’t explain it,
but I knew God was with me and that He was taking care of me. Shortly after I
accepted Christ, I started praying a lot. One night when everyone was fighting
in the kitchen, I went into the living room, got down on my knees and prayed
that God would get me out of the house. My prayer was interrupted when my mom
pulled me up by my wrist and said I would be spending the night at the
neighbors. That was the first time this had ever happened, and I KNEW it was
God.
Along with praying, I started
listening to praise songs. There were many nights when my bedroom was full of
evil. When I was afraid, I would pray that the evil would leave, and I would
sing praise songs until I felt safe in God’s presence.
So, back to being age 7…my sister
moved out, which left me to bear the burden of my parent’s abuse. That year
something funny started to happen to my skin – it was turning white. The only
explanation the doctor had was trauma, so I was sent to a psychologist. First,
the psychologist focused on my hypercritical mom, but soon discovered the full
extent of my abuse. My father was removed from the house, my mother was
threatened with losing custody of me if she allowed him near me, and our church
made it clear that we were no longer welcome.
After hearing this, it may be
difficult to understand what I’m about to say: GOD HAS BEEN SO GOOD TO ME!
Well, the neighbor’s house I slept at - it was a Christian family. And the
psychologist I was referred to turned out to be a Christian counselor. There are
countless examples I could give you of God’s grace at work in my life.
It’s like my electric toothbrush. I
get to use it every morning because it spends all day and night in a charger. So
when I go to use it, it has power. I can even take it away for weekends and it
holds its power. But over time, without remaining in the charger, it loses
strength until it has nothing left.
I’d like to tell you that my child
faith blossomed into a mature faith seamlessly, but that’s not the truth. Age 10
was another challenging age for me because by 10, I was tired of the way my mom
treated me. Over time this anger raged like a volcano. I was mad at my dad for
inflicting such evil onto me, and I was angry at God for allowing it. In fact, I
was ticked off at the whole world! I screamed, I cursed, and sometimes I
refused to talk for days on end. I realized that everyone in my life who was
supposed to protect me had wounded me… my dad, my mom, my sister, even our
church family.
I decided that I didn’t need anyone; I
could do it on my own. This was the beginning of 3 years I spent in rebellion.
At 13 I started smoking. Pretty soon I was drinking and going to parties; then
came boys and lots of inappropriate fondling. That was followed by some
recreational drug use. Those 3 years were the darkest years of my life because I
was separated from God, and I knew it. At night I would lie in bed and cry
myself to sleep because I ached for a relationship with God, but couldn’t bring
myself to pray because I felt too disgusting.
There is a fable that goes like this:
Once upon a time, the sun shone brightly upon the moon. Absorbing the warmth of
the sun’s rays, the moon also shone brightly, reflecting the light of the sun.
Slowly the moon began to dim, until at last the moon cried out to the sun, “I
can no longer feel your rays and I’m not reflecting your brilliance. What
happened?” The sun answered, “You let the world come between us.”
I’d like to pause here to give you an
opportunity to ask yourself a question: What in the world is coming between you
and God? Have you been wounded by someone close to you that you trusted? Has the
church betrayed you? Jesus experienced both kinds of betrayal first-hand.
Unforgiveness is like a dam that cuts off the flow of living water in your life.
As in all relationships, you get out
of your relationship with God what you put into it. Have faith - the Lord
promises that He will never leave nor forsake us (Joshua 1:5). That’s what I
learned when I was 17. The summer before my senior year of high school I went to
a Christian camp. I had spent a year going to church and trying to clean up my
act to earn my way back to God. Remember in Romans when Paul says, “I don’t do the good things I want to do, but I do the bad things
I don’t want to do” (Romans 7:15). That was me! I was desperate for the
Lord.
I have never seen the beauty of the
Lord more clearly then I did the day God showed up and told me He loved me just
as I was. He had been knocking on the door of my heart and I let Him in. I
realized I didn’t have to do anything. Jesus had already done it all. God became
my Father, the only Father I’ve ever known. He took my anger and replaced it
with forgiveness, not because I hadn’t been wronged, but because I trusted God.
God showed me that He was sovereign, and could use everything I’d been through
for good. As I share my testimony with you, I can say with full confidence in my
Lord that there is not one thing I would change about my life, because I trust
God with all of my life.
Once you are in a right relationship
with God, you will notice characteristics of your relationship with God that are
similar to other high-priority relationships. For instance, we pay attention to
those we love. We give God our undivided attention when we are still (Psalm
46:10). Our gaze is fixed on Jesus (Hebrews 12:2), and we’re listening for His
instruction (1 Samuel 3:9).
We make time to spend with the ones we
love; likewise we should spend time with God. Brother Lawrence said, “Think often on God, by day, by night, in your business, and even
in your diversions. He is always near you and with you; leave Him not alone. You
would think it rude to leave a friend alone who came to visit you: why then must
God be neglected? Do not forget Him, but think of Him often, adore Him
continually, live and die with Him; this is the glorious employment of a
Christian.” 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, “Whatever you
do, do it all for the glory of God.”
We communicate openly and honestly
with those we trust and love. In our relationship with God there can be no
secrets. God already knows everything. He wants us to be vulnerable and share
our true feelings, even if they’re negative. Honest communication is a two-way
street that involves listening as well as speaking. It’s a continual
conversation with God.
We are committed to those we love. In
the same way, we must be willing to go deep in our relationship with God. It’s
like Peter on the boat… Jesus instructed him to cast his net into deeper waters,
and when he did, he caught enough fish to sink 2 boats! Going deep in our
relationship with God requires taking a risk, which is especially difficult if
you’ve been wounded before, but the benefits far outweigh the risk.
I’d like to share more with you about
my relationship with God. At 17 I got it! Instead of inviting Jesus to be a
guest in my heart, I surrendered all to God; I gave Him ownership of my whole
heart and He began to transform me. I knew that my life experiences were for a
reason. I began ministering to children, youth and parents. This was a fruitful
ministry that lasted 10-years. At the age of 21, I was introduced to a young man
who was a youth pastor and seminary student. At age 23 we were married, and I
thought I had life by the horns!
In my marriage, the honeymoon was over
before it even started. My husband was neglectful, had sexual dysfunctions, and
all too easily played the victim expecting others to take care of him. I was
determined to make the marriage work. I did everything possible, while he
remained unresponsive and unmotivated. After 5 years, I was bankrupt
emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally and sexually. I found myself once
again desperate for the Lord.
God showed me that my husband was
using me as a crutch instead of depending on Him, and this was creating a
critical and bitter spirit within me. God asked me to let go. I did, and within
6 months my husband was forced to resign his ministry position and we were in
financial ruins. There were secrets my husband had been keeping that surfaced:
pornography, inappropriate relationships and deceitful handling of money. I
agonized, filed for divorce, and clung to God like a child at His feet.
Initially I was afraid, but once again
I experienced God’s unfailing love and all sufficient grace. Only this time
there was something different. I knew God as my Father. Now He was asking to be
my husband. That is when my childhood faith matured.
The act of communion is a wedding
proposal. Jesus is inviting us into a covenant relationship with God. Just like
our wedding vows, a relationship with God requires that we are committed to Him
for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking
all others and cleaving only unto Him. My husband and ministry had become
competing affections in my relationship with God. Slowly over time, marriage and
ministry had reached the top of my priority list, while my relationship with God
fell behind. It’s been almost 2-years since my divorce was finalized, and I’m
still on my honeymoon with God! God is my all in all, He meets all of my needs!
And I pray that He will never again have to compete for my affection. The love
relationship I have with God is a passionate and intimate divine romance!
A life with the Lord is like a dance.
Jesus is our faithful partner. God is our choreographer and audience – He’s the
only one who knows the dance and knows when we are dancing life according to His
will. His opinion is the only one that matters. The Holy Spirit is the music
that gives the dance of our life a rhythm that allows us to dance in harmony
with Jesus.
As we abide in God, He influences our
actions. God’s nourishment produces visible spiritual fruit. When we live in
relationship with God we find direction. In a disoriented world, we remain
Christ-centered. This allows us to be authentic. God does not ask us to be
religious in unnatural ways. Someone once said, “God desires spiritual fruit,
not religious nuts.”
A life with the Lord provides an inner
joy that transcends outward circumstances. As Christians, we experience the joy
of our salvation, and the joy of the Lord strengthens us to serve God with
gladness, rather than out of a sense of obligation or guilt.
Thank you for listening to the words I
have spoken. It is my earnest prayer that God has ministered to your heart
through my testimony. It’s been 2-years since I have done any public ministry,
and I am honored that God would still speak through me… this broken and cracked
vessel of clay. God showed me that His glory is revealed through our
brokenness. Like water leaking from the cracks, His love flows through us.
I’d like to leave you with a prayer
from Ephesians 3:16-21:
“I pray that out of His glorious
riches He will strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being,
so that Christ will dwell in your heart through faith. And I pray that being
rooted and established in love, you will have the power, together with all the
saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and
to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the
measure of all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably
more than you could ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work
within you, to Him be the glory in the church, in Christ Jesus, throughout all
generations, forever and ever.”
Denise DuBois
Especially For You
Friday Study Ministries, Inc.
Ron@FridayStudy.org
www.FridayStudy.org
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